Today started and carried on like any other. Kids wake, coffee brews, and insanity ensues. Booo boos get kissed, hugs handed out, breakfasts served only to create enormous messes in need of cleaning. It’s my life, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Perhaps in a few ways I would.
I fastened Genevieve’s shoes, and then gathered up Braden’s. An assembly line of shirts, pans, shoes if you will. No sooner had he staggered his way over to me, and his knees buckled and he collapsed on to the floor. He instantly started crying and wailed, “Mommy please please make it stop.” Without thought, I scooped him up into my lap and held him close. There he sat for two minutes quietly crying as I wished in vain that I could make his body stop failing him. Soon, he quieted despite the storm taking over my emotions.
I moved to the kitchen to gather sippy cups and milk for the road. It was then that I saw him picking up shoes in our entry way and hurtling them as far as hit small arms were able. I quickly set things down, and went to him. I gently grabbed his arms and kneeled in front of him. What a handsome little guy he is. He carries so much emotion in love inside of him. “Are you mad or sad?” I posed. “Sad,” was his quiet reply. “It’s ok to be sad Buddy, but we can’t throw shoes.” His eyes began to well again. I hugged him and then pulled back to look at him. “It’s going to be ok,” I reminded him. Without missing a beat, he looked me dead in the eyes and informed me, “No it’s not.”
I hugged him as tight as I could. It was a miracle the poor boy could breathe. All I could tell him was that I love him, and redirect him to finding a toy he wished to bring. I was not prepared for his response. It knocked the wind out of my sails, left me flailing in the wind for an appropriate response. No, it’s not going to be ok. This is not ok. Everything is not ok. He is right. I quickly loaded my munchkins into the car, because despite everything life must go on. His hair desperately needed to be cut. I turned on the requested Polar Express for him to watch, thankful for the loud engine and music to drown out my quiet tears that marred my vision all the way to the salon.
I wish I could say that I was Wonder Woman today and immune to the landmines that A-T has placed in my path, but that would be a lie. I am a woman, struggling to find a way to be strong and able enough to teach my child that no mountain is too tall to climb. However, today the mountain was too tall for me to even contemplate. So, with that, I will admit that I can’t do this without finding a good doctor to help me through. A place where I can let my guard down, talk about it without being stoic. I do believe it’s time for Braden to also seek out some counsel as well.
Today I told my parents I felt as if I were hanging on by a thread. They reminded me to hold on tight, and they would help make that thread as strong as possible. I’m fortunate to have my own thread entwined with so many others that care and love me, that the combined makes me stronger.