Battles against terminal illness, anxiety, and life!

Honestly

I think I’ve been thanked at least a hundred times for being a good citizen for taking in a child through social services. I’ve been nearly hailed as a hero for adopting and saving him from the life that could have been. My reaction is the same every single time….sadness, confusion, and the inability to let the issue drop. I am not a hero. Adopting is not a heroic act. In fact, I was quite selfish. My soul yearned for a child like a woman scavenging the desert for a glass of water. Let me be clear, Braden saved me from a life of deep sadness. A life where my deepest desire to be a mother would have been left unfulfilled. I am the lucky one, not him.

I’ve been told more time than I can count that I’m a fabulous mother. To be honest, I’m just your average mother stuck in an extraordinary circumstances. I still lose my temper from time to time. Sometimes I forget to bite my tongue. Others I let thing slide out of convenience. I don’t monitor tv time, shop strictly organic, and I’ve even given the kids lollipops so I could make it through an important phone call without two very loud little people in the background. We are a normal family. I do my best, and I love my children fiercely.

What I want more than anything is to simply keep on living this crazy life of ours forever.  I want to watch my children continue to chase each other around in circles.  I want to hear them having conversations, laughing together, and to one day both look back at their childhood with fondness.  I want to watch Braden fight to make the varsity team, learn to drive a car, graduate college, walk down the aisle to get married, and to see the tears in his eyes when he has children of his own.  I want to learn to have more patience, so I can be an even better grandmother.  So, that I can watch both Braden and Genevieve roll their eyes at me as I spoil their children rotten.  I am an average mother who wants that life she had imagined for her children back.

We started Braden on medication today to lessen his drooling.  He now takes seven pills a day and a breathing treatment twice a day.  We stayed at home today, and I took some pictures of the kids.  I’m pretty happy with the results.  So, we didn’t do a whole lot, but at 6 pm, Braden told us he was tired and wanted to go to bed.  We kept him up until 6:30 when he fell fast asleep on my chest.  Now I lay here watching him sleep and I think that I wish I could be his hero.  I hope that I do better tomorrow than I did today.  I hope for more patience and to be a better mother than I was the day before.  Above all, I look at him and just feel overwhelmingly lucky to be called his mom.  I love him so much.

Braden

Genevieve

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Comments on: "Honestly" (5)

  1. This post my dear, is exactly WHY you are a fabulous mother. Parenting is hard no matter what the circumstances, and you have a couple of extra circumstances thrown in. Fabulous mothers aren’t the ones that never “lose it”, they are the ones that do, and still manage to let their children know they are fiercely loved.

  2. You have two beautiful (and from how you describe them) wonderful children. And you are not a fabulous mother for adopting a child from social services. You are a fabulous mother simply because you do what you can to be the best mother you can be and when you don’t know, it seems you educate yourself. That’s all we can do!

  3. This is perfection. I love what you say about adoption – it, for us, was also a totally selfish choice. We wanted a baby so badly. But what makes you an amazing mom is how much you love. I’ve been “out of” the blog world for awhile, but I think of you guys often. You were my adoption twin:) since Lily and B were born just weeks apart, and I remember talking about betrothing them to each other. 🙂 They are two of the finest looking kids around -that still stands:) I know it’s trite and super cliche, but if you ever need to vent or talk, I’m here. We IF bloggers have to stick together:) Sending lots of love your way! You squeeze those babies for me!

  4. I’ve only had that comment once or twice, but I think it’s ridiculous too. We didn’t adopt to save a child from a bad life. We adopted because we wanted to be parents more than anything. Someone else would have adopted our child if we hadn’t.

    You ARE a good mother though. Even if you’re not “perfect” all the time, you at least know where your shortcomings fall. No child was ever ruined by the occasional lollipop or tv time. However, outsiders really can’t know what kind of mother you are. You’re just being the mother you know how to be, but I do think your children are lucky to have you, just as you’re lucky to have them!

  5. Beautiful post Rebecca. Braden seems like such a wonderful boy and you are a very strong mother.

    I found you via your note to us about the Ataxia site. Please come over and start a Group for Braden’s condition.

    Scott

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