Battles against terminal illness, anxiety, and life!

Posts tagged ‘Daily Life’

Honestly

I think I’ve been thanked at least a hundred times for being a good citizen for taking in a child through social services. I’ve been nearly hailed as a hero for adopting and saving him from the life that could have been. My reaction is the same every single time….sadness, confusion, and the inability to let the issue drop. I am not a hero. Adopting is not a heroic act. In fact, I was quite selfish. My soul yearned for a child like a woman scavenging the desert for a glass of water. Let me be clear, Braden saved me from a life of deep sadness. A life where my deepest desire to be a mother would have been left unfulfilled. I am the lucky one, not him.

I’ve been told more time than I can count that I’m a fabulous mother. To be honest, I’m just your average mother stuck in an extraordinary circumstances. I still lose my temper from time to time. Sometimes I forget to bite my tongue. Others I let thing slide out of convenience. I don’t monitor tv time, shop strictly organic, and I’ve even given the kids lollipops so I could make it through an important phone call without two very loud little people in the background. We are a normal family. I do my best, and I love my children fiercely.

What I want more than anything is to simply keep on living this crazy life of ours forever.  I want to watch my children continue to chase each other around in circles.  I want to hear them having conversations, laughing together, and to one day both look back at their childhood with fondness.  I want to watch Braden fight to make the varsity team, learn to drive a car, graduate college, walk down the aisle to get married, and to see the tears in his eyes when he has children of his own.  I want to learn to have more patience, so I can be an even better grandmother.  So, that I can watch both Braden and Genevieve roll their eyes at me as I spoil their children rotten.  I am an average mother who wants that life she had imagined for her children back.

We started Braden on medication today to lessen his drooling.  He now takes seven pills a day and a breathing treatment twice a day.  We stayed at home today, and I took some pictures of the kids.  I’m pretty happy with the results.  So, we didn’t do a whole lot, but at 6 pm, Braden told us he was tired and wanted to go to bed.  We kept him up until 6:30 when he fell fast asleep on my chest.  Now I lay here watching him sleep and I think that I wish I could be his hero.  I hope that I do better tomorrow than I did today.  I hope for more patience and to be a better mother than I was the day before.  Above all, I look at him and just feel overwhelmingly lucky to be called his mom.  I love him so much.

Braden

Genevieve

You Scream! I Scream! We all Scream for…

Today Braden looked at me and said, “Mommy, I want hot fudge sundae.”  It was seven in the morning.  Hey, I’m all for ice cream for breakfast, but there’s no hot fudge in the house.  So, I told him we’d have to see what we can do.  We did go for that ice cream today.  Both of my parents joined us for the fun too! 

We sat down, and Braden was so excited to have exactly what he wanted.  He picked his spoon up and tried to bring it to his mouth.  His eating has always been clumsy at best.  Although, clumsy might not be the best word to use.  He has poor motor control, and eating has always been difficult.  However, today Braden’s tremor was painfully obvious.  His ability to get the ice cream from the cup into his mouth was seriously compromised, and it was extremely painful to watch.  With each attempt, Braden’s frustrations mounted.  So, my  mom went and got an empty cone.  Our theory was we could scoop the hot fudge sundae into it.  The fudge would slide off, and he got so upset.  I looked at him and smiled, “Hey, Mommy’s got a great idea!”  Off we went to the register again.

Round three was not much better.  I ordered him his usual.  He can normally eat a cone really well.  However, with his feeling so utterly defeated, Braden simply waved his white flag and systematically shattered the hearts of all the adults.  He threw his arms up to me, and I scooped him up.  There he sat, so very sad, with his arms around my neck and head on my shoulder.  My baby boy.  I wanted to scream at the injustice.  It’s an ice cream sundae.  How can an ice cream sundae have the power to ruin my child’s day?  It doesn’t, but his body does.  It failed him today, and his mind knew it.  That’s what crushes me.

We all rode back to the house in relative quiet.  Something had to be done to disconnect from that experience.  None of us would allow the experience to ruin our entire day.  We learned that it’s ice cream cone or bust in our world. 

Upon arriving at my parents’ house, I had an idea.  I know that my parents’ bed is off-limits.  It always is made, the comforter always looking pristine.  He he.  I climbed on the bed, a no-no, and snagged Braden as he left my parents’ bathroom.  He giggled wildly, knowing we were doing something against the rules.  We laughed hysterically as my mom feigned anger.  It was then the unexpected happened.  My parents ganged up on Braden and me!  They started tickling both of us!  I can honestly say that I didn’t see that one coming!  I had an idea they would tickle Braden, but my feet surely didn’t expect it!  We laughed until our sides nearly split, our cheeks hurt, and until our hearts no longer ached.  It was perfect.

I can always count on my parents to help make things better, and today was no exception.  My dad ate soup with Braden at lunch today. I have Braden drink soup directly from the bowl, and tell him, “It’s just like they do it in Japan!”  So, now we all eat soup Japanese style.  We are making this lifestyle work for us in our own quirky way, and that is almost a gift in itself.  I just wish we didn’t have to.

Exhale

The past week was a bit much for all of us.  I think Braden fed off the stress, and his behavior was soooo not ok.  I can’t blame him.  Our house was like a pressure cooker!  I wouldn’t have been surprised if Justin’s head just spun right off his shoulders.  As we neared the end of the week with his dad at home, Braden looked at him and started to declare, “Leave!”  Yep, we had enough togetherness for one week.  Now that it has been two days of back to business as usual, we are all a bit happier.  Braden is back to running laps around the kitchen, insisting on touching all the things he’s not supposed to, and in general being two.  Although, I will say that there has been some insane regression in the potty training department.  My son has turned into a Golden Retriever.  In turn, I now have the cleanest floors you have ever seen.

Please tell me that some day we will be potty trained!  *sigh*